For a guy that was born with a speech impediment, it is interesting that talking has been my job for the last 11 years. Unrelated to that, I misspeak a lot. It’s probably genetic from my mother, but we’ll just keep that under the house. Adults don’t seem to care all that much when you say a wrong word. 8th graders though, like to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I’m thankful for the students that I have as they tend to just laugh at/with me. Communication is more than words though.
I read a book a while ago by Daniel Pink called To Sell is Human. In it, the author made the case that all human interaction is a sales exchange. A mother trying to get a toddler to obey is selling the toddler to do what she wants. The question is, “Who Wins?” Does the mother win the sale and get obedience or does the kid win by throwing a tantrum, causing the mother to give up. While there are more things at play in all interactions, I thought this view on communication was helpful.
As a parent, one of the most interesting interactions I regularly have with my kids is communicating with them when they are upset. Their ability to give reasonable arguments goes out the window until they calm their emotions. Interestingly, adults are the same way. Allow emotions to cloud your brain is a sure way to botch an exchange. If there is something that really matters, be sure to handle it when emotions are in check.
For my students, there are three things that I try to help them learn in communication: ethos, pathos, and logos. In layman’s terms, this would be truth, emotions, and logic. It really is true that it is not just what you say but how you say it. All three of these things need to be in sync to give one the greatest chance to not just make your point, but to actually move someone to your position. Communication is not just an information transfer as much as it is an inspiration transfer.
Ethos is all about credibility and truth. Why would anyone listen to you? Why would someone listen to anyone? For myself, when I want to learn something, I will pick a person that I believe actually knows what they are talking about. For example, I really liked Hey Grill Hey for BBQ recipes when I was first starting to cook. I learned a lot from her videos and blog. For my students, two of the big things that I encourage them to do it is quote from experts, the books we read, and to not contradict themselves. It is amazing how far these two simple things go to build credibility. Being well read is super helpful. Telling the truth and having character is even better. Being a person of virtue goes a long way in conversations.You matter just as much as your message. Self-control and wisdom are also good. Basically, work on being a mature Christian. People will come to trust your opinion.
Next is pathos or emotions. It is funny to coach young people through this. Men need encouragement to show any emotions. Ladies need encouragement to control their emotions. It is not just about amping up the energy. Pathos is about feeling the right kinds of emotions, an appropriate amount, for the message that is being conveyed. I might argue that this is the most important part of communication. If you are trying to get someone to do something, emotions are the things that move people. Truth and logics are helpful, but people make decisions off of how they feel. Getting someone to move is difficult. Appropriate emotions are vital.
Someone might say that this is mere manipulation. I was always taught that manipulation was bad. It has negative connotations, yet the word is neutral. There is positive and negative manipulation, at least according to Gemini. Pathos is not playing or toying with someone’s emotions. It is working to show a person how you feel about your message and to share your feelings with them in order for them to join in with you. It sounds very empathetic, yet it is not in the slightest. It is about moving someone to something better, not to leave them where they are. It is to solve a problem.
Finally, there is logos. This seems to be lost in our society today. Logos, logic, is all about the arguments. Is what you are saying sound and valid? A valid argument is one that is structured correctly, but not necessarily true, while a sound argument is structured correctly and is true. Interestingly enough, something can be true and not be presented as sound and valid. It is a real problem. We should be looking to have sound arguments and communicate them in a way for truth to shine. It is not enough to know the truth. The truth has to be shown. This is all about convincing someone. In this scenario, they don’t believe the truth. If they did, you wouldn’t have to be convincing of it.
Humanity is at a strange spot in history. Science and technology are advancing rapidly, yet people are falling behind like never before. The divide between the have and have-nots in America is similar to the Victorian era. We are actually going backwards as a people. It is not a lack of information availability. It is a lack of true education. An education should be earned, not given. It starts with communication. It is what is used for life. If you want to make a difference in the life of those around you, be true to your message, emotions, and arguments. It won’t guarantee success with anyone, but it will definitely help. This is also a good idea to listen with these filters on as well.
Here is to more E.P.L.